Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
