pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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