I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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