I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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