there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
