Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
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Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
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Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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