can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
