Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
