dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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