I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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