Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Redeem this text for a blowjob
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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