someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
