my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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