I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
