wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
