New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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