I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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