the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
