I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Send help, water and tortillas.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
