I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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