So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
