Well douche your snatch and let's go!
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
