my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
