For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
