u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Randomize
