So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Randomize
