I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
