hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
