Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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