Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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