Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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