I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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