i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
