If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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