Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
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You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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