how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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