Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
