My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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