How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
