I think I am morally bankrupt
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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