Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
