I think I won the penis lottery.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
