This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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