I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
