I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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