You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
