yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Is it penis luge time yet?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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