so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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