My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
