You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
