Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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