Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
