I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I need to stop coming to work sober
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
