I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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