The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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