i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
